The Hollywood Liberal

1. You have a personal savior, um; say Jesus as portrayed by the Euro-American, blue eyed blond actor Jeffrey Hunter as a version of the Palestinian Jew in the Hollywood blockbuster film King of Kings. This is the personal savior who conspired with Judas, one of his “disciples,” to engage in state assisted suicide in order to re-incarnate himself as a martyr. That “son of God” then “rose from the dead,” appearing in the flesh to even more “disciples” and of course Mary, as a missionary from an all-seeing, all-powerful God, (who looks, ironically, a great deal like Charleston Heston.) Said same savior will return to Israel at the time of the Rapture and the Apocalypse and the Tribulation (who can keep up?) and everyone who is saved will go to Heaven and the rest of us will burn in Hell forever!
2. Or, you can pick Old Joe Smith a seer visited by an angel named Moroni, who told him of an ancient record containing God’s dealings with the former inhabitants of the American continent. In 1827 Joseph found the “golden plates,” and translated their words by the “gift of God.” The result of his translating efforts became known as the Book of Mormon—Another Testament of Jesus Christ that was published in March of 1830. On April 6, 1830, Old Joe, not being happy as a seer and now angel ordained, organized the Church of the Latter Day Saints and became its first president. In the Mormon version of American reality women were secondary personages and could be bound in marriage in multiple numbers and people of color were umm…not wanted, period!

“You lie on this totally comfortable table in a stylishly appointed room. The colonic therapist gently inserts a small rigid tube called a speculum about six inches into your rectum. Oooooooh. Just talking about it gives me goose bumps.

“The therapist attaches the speculum to a gaily colored plastic hose connected to a colon irrigation machine. While soothing Yanni music plays softly in the background, all five feet of your colon are slowly filled with warm, purified, jasmine-scented water.

 ”This causes the muscles that line the colon to contract and expand rhythmically—as though they’re grooving to a sensuous disco beat—forcing out that nasty fecal matter, gas, and mucus through an evacuation tube that leads back to the machine. Don’t worry, girls, nobody’s going to laugh if you make a noise like a tuba.

“After the first infusion of water has been expelled, the procedure is repeated until twenty to thirty gallons of water have been flushed through the bowel. Then, before you can say, ‘Stavros, that feels so good,’ you’re ready to go shopping.

“So take it from me, Paris Hilton, Colon Girl for The International Association for Colon Hydrotherapy, if you want to look your best for the holidays, treat yourself to a high colonic right away. No ifs, ands, or butts about it.”

…and when you begin to hallucinate whatever, chose that vision as your deity, assume, (like Georgie Bush that this was your “sign” as being chosen,”) register to run for President and by George Bush, you can have the same shot as being a representative of the dumb and dumber crowd supporting these representatives of the Devil!

They are of the Devil.

That is Evil without the D which is for damn-this-nation .

America! What’a Country.

(*) Caveat: if you aren’t rich enough to go the colonic clinic, you are screwed and have only the two above choices if you are poor, working–middle class … or you can become a Jew or Muslim and hope you don’t live in the Middle East.)